Dodge Penis

I love it when I’m watching porn advertisements disguised as car commercials.
“Test drive the all new dodge penis with ego boost engine today,” says the TV announcer. “The all new dodge penis, has the thirst of a V6 and the thrust (driver puts hand on his stick, pause pause pause) of a V8.”
“The TV announcer [...]

Will You Shave My Ass, Please?

“Um, babe, thanks for shaving my ass, again.” says Boyfriend. ”But my bum always gets dry and irritated after a shave. Could you rub some lotion on my bottom?”
“You should consider laser hair removal for more permanent, long lasting results,” suggests Girlfriend. “Or this relationship isn’t going to last much longer.”

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Afternoon Delight

I love it when I get to have afternoon sex with my husband.
Tired sex, is what we have if we wait until both kids fall asleep.
“Let’s not wait until the kids are asleep to have sex today,” I suggest to my Husband. “Put on a movie, at the other end of the house, so we can have some [...]

Was She Hot?

I love it when Betty gets hit on by a bi girl.
“A bi girl just grabbed my butt,” texts Betty.
“Was she hot?” I text.
“Yeah in slutty, bi curious, kind of way,” texts Betty. “She had on a little black dress and 4 inch pumps.”
“How’d you know she was bi?” I ask.
“She grabbed my brother’s butt, [...]

It Doesn’t Take A Psychic

I love it when I read the writing on the wall and I don’t even know it.
“Betty now that you and Baby Daddy are here at Zippers together, I know you’re gonna hook up again,” I tease.
“No, I’m not,” protests Betty.
“Yes, you are,” I say.
“Hey what are you doing tonight,” I ask.
“Meeting Baby Daddy at [...]

Facebook Stalker

I love it when Betty’s guy crush follows us on vacation.
“Hey, I just got a text from Baby Daddy,” says Betty.
“What does he want, now?” I ask.
“He wants a surf report,” says Betty. “I’m going to tell him Mexico is going off!”
5 minutes later
“Oh my gosh!” squeals Betty. “He says he’s in Mexico, right now!”
“Betty, [...]

Baby Daddy

“Betty oh my gosh!,” I text. “I just saw Mr. Non-Committment on facebook with his girlfriend.”Really?!” texts Betty.
“Yes, and there was a little kid in a few of the pictures,” I text. “I think he’s her Baby Daddy.”
“Ok, let me check facebook,” texts Betty.
5 minutes later.
“OMG!” texts Betty. “He is her Baby Daddy!” Her status says, ‘can’t [...]

Nothing for Me

I love it when Betty says cock. But I’m beginning to think Betty has to drink to loosen up. She only says cock when she’s drunk.
“Don’t you love that word?” I ask.
“Only when I’m drunk,” slurs Betty.
Me on the other hand I can say “hard cock,” all day long, without so much as a [...]

The Cum Shot

I love when it I’m paddling out to the line up, and Surfer Dude sprays me in the face.
I know exactly what he’s thinking: “Yeah, I’m a porn star. And that was a massive cum shot in Surfer Girl’s face.”
Yeah, surfers’ minds aren’t hard to read. They’re either thinking about surfing or sex, or [...]

Red Hot Chili Peppers Socks

I love it when I listen to music and it gets me all hot and bothered.
Some people get in the mood for love with a little Barry White. Not me.
I prefer a nasty riff from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. They knock my socks off.
I find this ironic, since the Pepper always played at my college, [...]

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